We all have our own problems, skeletons in our closets, insecurities, etc. No problem is bigger or smaller than another, they are just unique to us. In other words, what seems trivial to me may be monumental to you.
I am not an outwardly emotional person. I do not usually act on my feelings or embrace the heat of the moment. Every thing in my life is carefully considered before action is taken. One might think this is good, but I have found it to be a dreadful flaw in many cases. I have mentioned before how I worry by nature. Well, I also hold things inside and build walls. I show people a calm exterior, even a smile, but on the inside I can be ready to explode. The worst part about this is not the dishonesty to everyone around me, but the dishonesty to myself. I actually convince myself that I am ok, that I am not bothered by something or someone offensive. I push it so far back in hopes of it working itself out that I tend to bob over the waves completely unaware that a tsunami is hurtling toward the shore of Undetermined Future.
I struggle on a daily basis with relationships in general. I have been hurt so many times in the past with love and friendship and even family relationships. I have been through so many cycles of building, breaking down, and re-building walls that I often feel like I’m standing in the middle of a sea of rubble and don’t have a clue what to do next. I have gotten to the place where I wonder what the point of even trying is. In fact, I have stopped trying, for the most part. I have one or two friends who understand me and stand with me through thick and thin, but everyone else must come to me and make the first move or I just don’t interact. It’s not that I dislike you, I just don’t initiate relationships. If you come to me I will be as friendly and polite as I can be, we may even get closer and I will open up, but I don’t make the first move.
I’m not saying this is right, I’m quite frustrated with myself actually. I am stating facts and pondering how to work through this without going too far the other way. I often see other friends and family interacting on a daily basis and wonder why nobody seems to chat me up or just say hello every once in a while. I then realize that I have not initiated a casual conversation or just said hello in quite some time either. You would think this realization would prompt me to take that step and be a little more inviting, but no. I am just not willing to open myself up to the potential pain of that conversation blossoming into a closer relationship and then dying as most of them have in my life due to one cause or another. I guess deep down I reason that if I start it and it fails, it is my fault. If the other person starts it and it fails, it was never really my idea to begin with. This reasoning is kind of stupid because either way, it hurts. As a human being, I can’t live without interaction with my fellow human beings, yet I seem to be doing a great job of trying.
The relationships I do have are so vital and important to me because they are rare and hard to come by. I am fiercely loyal. That is not to say I don’t have differences in opinions, tiffs, etc. In fact, I often find myself in conflicts with my closest friends. However, we always seem to pull through and it makes us stronger. I respect the people who can put up with my personality and still love me.
I go through periods every so often when I am completely reclusive. I don’t see or talk to people for days at a time, other than my husband and baby. I disable the chat on Facebook so nobody can talk to me, I sign in as away on the MSN Messenger, I don’t call anybody and often ignore calls that come in. This has happened more recently in the last two years due to hard circumstances in my life and deep depression probably brought on by pregnancy hormones rampaging my body for two years. Only my very closest, immediate family and one dear friend have stood with me completely through these times, everyone else has understandably gotten discouraged, distant, out of touch, or just plain aggravated at me.
I am saying this to convey to you that I don’t blame anyone and I get frustrated too. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder almost all the time, but I struggle with it and wish it were different. My way of dealing with pain is to shut it out and I often shut out the good with the bad.
I hope this will bring some enlightenment to certain of my readers who have probably had to deal with this part of me. To you, I ask for forgiveness but I can’t make promises I’m not sure I can keep. I can’t promise this will never happen again, but I can offer you a little window of understanding. If I mean anything to you, please bear with me.
There are also people in my life who I have been close with, tried to work through our differences, and it ended despite much effort on my part. Just because I don’t initiate things now doesn’t mean that I never have, or that once there I haven’t tried. These ruins of heartfelt love and companionship are intermingled in the before mentioned sea of rubble from the protective walls. Often times these ruins are created by uncontrollable circumstances. They are nobody’s fault, they are just the product of Life. They are a person’s reaction to Life, whether mine or their’s. They are the very reason I am who I am and why I deal with things the way I do.
All this being said, I am still working every day to overcome my faults. I continue to assess my problems and try to honestly find my part in the negative aspects, to trace myself to the root and fix it. Many times I do find myself there, at the root. I’m not perfect. However, I have enough faults of my own without borrowing the guilt of others. I can’t apologize for someone else’s faults. I can do everything possible to correct my own, but sometimes (even if it’s rarely) it just isn’t my fault. I am not trying to be arrogant or superior, I feel like those who know me well would describe me as just an honest soul trying to make sence of it all.
So there it is, what I consider to be one of my biggest flaws laid out before you. I think we all need some accountability in our lives and here is my attempt at being honest and accountable. Somebody recently said I was a big source of inspiration to them and it made me stop and think. I hope nobody is inspired by me because of a false impression of martyrdom or perfection. I am human. I am flawed. Yes, I’ve been through a lot in my short life, I’ve been to Hell and back in the last two years alone. If you can see me at my worst and still be inspired then, by all means, carry on. Please don’t judge me on my best. What most people see is my best, my pristine outer shell that masks the roiling conflicts within me. Only my truest and closest friends see me at my worst and I love them for that. This is me trying to show a piece of that to everyone else.